taken in 2005 when i went to singapore..my first ever trip to the place away from malaysia..it was such a good memory..but this memory will keep in heart forever and ever ...it wont be repeated again when i received the phone call from my mum this morning..the weather is moody and cloudy..its jus lik what had happen when my teacher passed away..i can sense something is going to be wrong when my friend told me that i had a phone call from my mum..the bad news finally reached to my ears..my aunt in singapore passed away when sleeping without any single signal.i was stunned! i was ady late to my math class when talking to my mum through phone.sitting down on my chair, my tears keep rolling down my cheeks uncontrobally..i was trying to wipe it away as my teachers was teaching at that moment..i was thinking to go to singapore along with my family.but i cant.its too rush..i cant make it..thinking of this, my heart feels even hurt.i cant pay the last respect to my aunt ..act i shud say is my godmother..when she knew that i got excellent result in my pmr, she felt so proud of me and said that she would take me as her goddaughter as she has only a son. its all through phone..i stil owe her a word that she is longing to hear from me " gan ma"..cos that time i was too shy to address her lik that through phone.but its all over!!i dun hv the chance anymore!because of her and my uncle, i got my computer and my electronic dictionary which helped me a lot in my academic..i promise myself that i wil give them a treat when i grow up!i will! but why..why the god grab the chance away from me again..its again!!izzit the opportunity cost that we hv to bear as we grow up!it seems so horrible to me!the feeling is unbearable!scaryness overwhelmed me!what if one day i receive call again and it happen to be my family..i knw that u guys will say that i think too muc and so negatively..bt it wil happen! i m scared..i cant afford to lose anyone anymore especially my dear grandma and mother..please dun ever leave me alone..i m jus a fragile girl that wil meet the breaking point so easily..when thinking that i might be furthering my study abroad, the frighteness get even terrible..i knw i hv to appreciate b4 its too late..i dun1 to experience any guilty and regret feeling for losing anyone..but i cant promise that i can do it cos saying is always easier than applying..somemore now i cant always stay wit my family where the gap wil slowly widen..i dunno wat to do..i jus keep crying n crying today..all the sad thing n pro that happen to me came to my mind..i jus cant control..i wish i can cry it out..cos i m stressed!

the feeling of some1 had been leaving u forever is inexplainable.it did exist but when u r awake , u knw that u hv lost the person in this world..you cant find anyone exactly anymore.its so intangible..whenever i see my electronic dictionary now, i knw that u hv been leaving us..i m sorry , my dear godmother..i cant do anything for u ..the time for us to be together is only so limited..Yet, it wil form the most meaningful puzzle in my life..may u rest in peace..u will always in my heart and continue to inspire me to stay strong!

ESther..sorry that this blog wil be bit messy ..its all my random expression..i jus wish to express out all my frustration n feeling ...